Pushing Against it - FMF

Five Minute Friday writing. Go!

I'm tired and as I say the words vapour escapes my soul as I confess the words. Tired of fighting my own fear, fed up with the sudden chaos and thoughts about my own calling as a writer. I've laid it down just to feel it snap at my heels again. A simple article used to take me a few hours and now, days go by and I add only paragraph or a single sentence.

I know these accusations at my writing may be part from the enemy, or maybe even part from me. Dissapointments and arrows have been flung at me the past few months, so maybe it's natural to feel this way and struggle to wipe the residue from this mind. I've laid it down, forgiven, let go, but still I'm not left with others opinions, but now I'm left with my own. And that is not even my own, the enemy seems to be using these past nasties against me. Not good enough. But how can that be, when this is who Father created me to be! I just want to overcome because I'm tired of living defeated in this area. And the truth is, it's a choice that I know, but to push against such thoughts with turbulent might, it's tiresome. All I can do here is pray and say "Abba please deliver me!"

STOP!
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When I Looked at You

16 years ago on a Tuesday, I woke up, rubbed my sleepy eyes and dressed for school. I dont remember much about the classes, all I remember was thinking  about the dance club I was going to on Friday night with my friends and the guy I liked. Life was normal and empty. Until Bible period, back when they still allowed religious education in school. A youth pastor came and preached a message of challenge and truth. I broke, the Holy Spirit moved my heart and I saw myself as I was, an unclean sinner. I stood up when he made the altar call. Confessed my Saviour Jesus and felt the weight of my dirt covered body in its sin. I wept. All I could do way say the name Jesus over and over again. 13:30.

The class ended, I dried my eyes, changed. I wondered through the hall to my next class and felt radically different and almost out of place. God is good. I walked in to my computer class, 3 of my class mates and my teacher were Christians. As they entered the class I told them " I got saved!" And they started shouted and praising God, I was filled with uncontainable, unnameable joy. The teacher chided us for being so loud, "Teacher," my one friend said, "she got saved!" He excused us from the class and we went to stand in the passage. Revival worship broke out as 4 girls danced in the hall. Two of them had been praying for me, before I even got saved, they would become instrumental in my life. 

The next day, it was the entire matric class bible period. A dark haired man with a goatie shared about God and an unsaved friend pulled me along to go speak with him. I was still trying to find my way now that I was saved. I didnt know what I was suppose to it. She spoke to him and he invited us to a cell group meeting that night. I went, she stopped going. That guy became my mentor for 3 years. Just God. He was sold out, passionate and on fire, through his life and passion for God, I learnt hunger and identity. 

I left my old life behind, little by little. I lost all my friends and gave up the guy I was casually seeing. But the love, and depth, the Feeling of God, the Touch of God, the Love of God it was more than enough. Five months later I wore a cross on my head to my matric dance (prom), and two of my athiest friends I kept loving after I got saved, they smiled when I walked in. They grabbed me with a big hug and someone took a photo. That photo I treasure, for the fearlessness I had in continuing to speak Gods love in a way that still left people loving me. My words were offensive with truth, but my heart not. I was brave enough to wear my faith out in the open, not just among the religious or the saved. I was tough enough to lose the friends I loved, surrendered enough to break music cd's that God convicted me of. I was somehow weak but strong enough in Christ to let go of the hand of a man I had secretly liked for months and somehow managed to snag. I was tall enough within to believe that no matter what happened God had a plan. My future felt secure. My life felt mapped. I was still a mess inside, still wounded, broken and fleshly, that's the journey. The journey towards holiness and sanctification, the letting go of endless things. The pursuit of Yeshua and His Beautiful call. A walk that began when a Relentless, Loving, Compassionate powerful God pursued me, and never gave up on me. I'm so grateful, still in awe and ever more committed than before. Thank You Yeshua!

 "when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine."

Ezekiel 16:8

There's Beauty Here - FMF

Five Minute Friday. Go!

The Good Shepherd, He leads. Walks. Stops to stare at the birds over head and the magnificent glint of silver in the pools at the waters edge.

Us. Looking ahead, isn't there a mountain to climb somewhere. A place to walk through? A place to make it through. Looking back towards where He stands, still resting with a smile and hands behind His back. I think He knows something. 

Come on, Come on! I hear myself and us both saying. Come here, he says calmly. Sigh. There's no hurry for the Good Shepherd. But isnt there a mountain to climb, uncomfortable feelings to get rid of and life to live. This is life, He smiles, now joined at the pool.

He takes my hand (and the hands of all who would allow Him to enter their heart in to a slow rest). I peer down to where He gazes, water ripples dance across tiny stones and a brown bed beneath see through water, struck by beauty. This life, He muses, is lived here. Not on the top of the mountain at the end of anxiety, or hustle, or lifes tugging hurriedness. Life is here, in the clearing where water runs and the Shepherd sits and gazes. Here, right here in rest. A walk, not a gallop or a run, but a walk encompassed by the Hebrew word halacha. For every woman and man of God had their halacha with God, not a run, but a walk. So let's walk Good Shepherd, Good Father of us all. 

STOP!

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Hey I'm writing today over at Off the Page, about a gold rimmed book I met at 6 years old and how it changed my life.... Join me! The Gold - Tipped Book

For a While - FMF

Five Minute Friday writing Prompt, 5 minutes Unedited! Go!

I've had more "why's over the past few months than I have for a long time. Why's that happen from deep within, from disappointment, heartache, crisis and dashed hopes or dreams. In my why's and waiting, I've noticed how often we approach God with a "search engine," mentality. We expect quick answers and yes, no realities and oh how I wish that was the case sometimes! Yet, I'm learning through my current wilderness season, that waiting's and why's can open a pathway where God's voice really does become clearer, and His answers and words are not always yes or no about what seems to be, our foremost questions of mind. But His answers are truth and the truth really does set us free. Sometimes Father's truth and the words He tells us seem to be bad tasting medicine in our mouths, because in that moment it's not really what we want to hear, but we learn that the bad tasting stuff is often the most effective. Through the why's, I'm also learning deeply in a very real way, that community can be pretty uplifting. I'm also comforted by the reality that we received 5 different calls this week from different families asking us for guidance on their current seasons of "why." Gosh, their questions and feelings mirror our own right now. So instead of giving advice, we simply sit together, even over the phone and tell each other "hey, I don't know what you should do, or why this is, but I'm your friend, you can lean on me, let's just be together in this." God is with us and He will never leave us, of this I am sure, and when the why, turns to "oh that's why," then we will at last understand or maybe we will have become stronger through the journey...

STOP!

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Dreaming - FMF

Five Minute Friday Writing, 5 minutes, unedited! GO!

For the passed two days I've had the lyrics from Tangled stuck in my head. The part where she goes in to the Snuggly Duckling and finally implores them all to find their humanity and help her live her lifelong dream. Then a great song busts out and I'm left thinking about the man with the hook who wants to be a concert pianist. It goes like this;

I've always yearned to be a concert pianist
Can'tcha see me on the stage performin' Mozart?
Tickling the ivories 'til they gleam?
Yep, I'd rather be called deadly
For my killer show-tune medley
Thank you!
'Cause way down deep inside
I've got a dream."

I get excited talking about dreams even though I'm currently meandering through a dry season of deciphering my own God - dreams which somehow seem to be in a drought. However, dreams are important, they are visions, glimpses in to our hearts, pieces of our purpose and our passion. They are sign posts, keys to unlock doors of destiny. Most of all I truly believe that when we walk with God He places amazing dreams within us, just so we can find ourselves. One thing I've learned about dreams though, is that they are intentional, they seem more beautiful, ethereal and wispy when we are dreaming them, but the intentional hard wok can some times make the dreams seem, not so wispy. But to get out of the boat, and to allow ourselves the joy and the hardwork of dreaming, I think that's one of the beautiful things that makes life worth living. 

STOP!

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It's not gonna go that Way - FMF

Five Minute Friday - Yey! 2018! First one for the year, writing on the word "motivate!" Let's Go!

I'm not a fan of new years resolutions, I've never made them and I never will I believe. But I did feel excited to enter in to the new year, I continually felt Abba Father tell me that it would be a year of incredibly good things. I was motivated, focussed and ready to begin, then we adopted kittens!

In November 2016, my beautiful cat of 16 years old passed away, it was a really hard time and it took an entire year to heal that space. I started thinking about that space in my heart the one that feels like a cat shaped hole. And then our local animal shelter was having a kitten adoption day and we went to look. Long story short, we adopted 2 great 10 week old brothers, but it's been challenging. Really like having babies in our home, and yes I've cried, not ashamed to admit that. And thought how am I going to stay focussed, moticated and able to study this year (I'm going back to school!!) with this. And then God..... that's like me saying and then God stepped in to all my tears and fears. He led me around the Bible and then to Moses leading his father - in - laws sheep through the wilderness. God whispered hey "Abel, the patriarchs, Moses, Jacob and his sons, they all cared for animals and it taught them to be leaders who serve me, and who can lead people. When you can love an animal, you can better the world." 

God is so good! My home feels a lot more complete with them here, and I'm learning a lot, a whole lot! Life isn't always going to go dead smooth as you'd like it to go, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to, because how would we ever learn and how would we ever be partnering deeper with God, to better this broken world! 

STOP!

OH my gosh, when I looked at my blog I realised the very last post I wrote was about wanting a cat! I didn't get those kittens on the farm, praise God that He knew better! But hey seems He was preparing my heart all along, wow! Here's that short post: This Familiar Fear 

Linking this week with  Five Minute Friday

 

This familiar Fear - FMF

Five Minute Friday - writing for five minutes! GO!  

My precious fluffy son has been gone a year already, the time has flown but the emotions of grief are still there sometimes. I adopted him when I was 16, pretty young, and he went home to be with God when I was 32. It was so incredibly hard losing him, I still can't post pictures of him because it hurts too much but so much of me has healed too. I can think of him with joy and feel his presence because he still lives on, and he's apart of my life now, my memories and my heart. The pain of losing my pet was a big hole I never really felt ready for, it used to scare me sometimes, the thought of him one day going home. When the time came it was really hard. I grew up my whole life with animals, we had fish, geese, cats, dogs, pigs and birds and tortoises. I'm a huge animal lover, but after this I did not really think I could get another pet again. That feeling of grief and pain was all too familiar and I just don't know if I could do it again.

Three weeks ago however, I did start thinking about it. I miss having that pet companion. Someone to make the family complete and then I walked in to a cafe on a farm where we usually go for lunch and one of the cats there had the most adorable kittens. One of them came bounding out towards me and he reminded me so much of my boy. I feel in love with him and felt a strange feeling of warmth inside again. I said yes to the lady who owns them but came home with loads of familiar fears. Have I made the right decision? In a way I wish I could just hear "it's going to be okay!" Opening up to being a pet parent means opening yourself to loving and caring for a life. I pray it will go okay! I'm also praying I will get my boy because I'm going away and the other new owners will be choosing their kittens first, so I get the last one - please let it be my boy God please! 

STOP!

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I have started a devotional section over on my author website. I've done a number of devotional series' on different radios this year and I've wanted to bring devotionals to my readers. The first 4 have been inspired by the book of Nehemiah, but they go deep in to the heart. I hope you will check it out and be encouraged!
HeartBeat Devotionals