It's been a tough 5 weeks, suffering with intense neck pain I have visited doctors, had xrays, done physio and tried medication that made me feel sick, achey and shaky. Done. Having been unable to do much I have been away from the computer (which seems to heighten the pain) and even now I find that I have to rush to get anything done, because the computer is just a no - no. But I miss it, all of it. The ability to write, to sit here, to connect, to explain on paper what I cant find words for. To pour out my heart, not online but just in words. Words come so easy for me. Even in these passed few weeks I was unable to read or look down for close to 3 weeks, so no writing, no reading, nothing. It's been tough and well, there is nothing to explain it, doctors dont know but I know that life is just such. We live in a mortal body and we are subject to the decay of sin yet life is bitter sweet. Bitter because its crazy and sweet because I have a living hope in Messiah Yeshua.
The interesting thing about this is that I would pop over to my blog form time to time and I had this sense that I wanted to re-share some old posts from 2014 and I was not able to but I sensed that God wanted me to. Yet, when I popped over to my blog, I suddenly saw from the side bar of popular posts how the certain ones that were so special that I never got to re-share were suddenly being shared by people! I praise God for this wonderful thing!
This passed weekend my mom came to stay with us and it was great to have her visit during our time talking I started thinking about loss. I have endured the loss of so many things in my own life and then I got to thinking about the different faces of loss. Loss of income, loss of dreams, loss of family members, relationships, loyalty - the list is endless, people endure loss daily and yet do we ever really give ourselves time to grieve and pain loss and allow it to move us from the room of despair in to a new place of hope. One of my favourite movies is You've got mail. Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) runs a bookstore her mother owned and when Jo Fox (Tom Hanks) opens up a megastore book company, she sudenly faces the reality of closing down her mothers store, after 42 years of being a part of the community. It's devastating to her, losing the bookstore feels like her mother is dying all over again.
But what Kathleen doesnt realise is that she is in fact living her mothers story and never truly living her own. Yet the viewer realises how much people admire her and look to her, in the words of JO Fox's girlfriend, what Kathleen endorses sell! Kathleen has her own story and closing the book shop is a time of grief, yet it opens her up to new possibilities, to her own story and her own life's journey that she had been unconsciously avoiding all her life. It ,may seem depressing and sad but something beautiful awaits on the other side of her despair. She begins writing childrens books and actually opens herself up to being loved and to loving.
So I'm sitting with this all and looking at loss and wondering what doors need to close around me, to open the next door? Maybe the door is internal? It's an interesting question and I am sure you have to face your own openings and closings, what is God closing in your life, to let tomorrow in? What part of your story has been tied up to someone elses, so much so that you could not find yourself?
May we find the courage and the wisdom to live our own story even in the face of the storm!