While everything I post on my blog is somewhat personal, each post is unique and some go very deep. This is one such post, the very deep one that is.
It was inspired by the Holy Spirit and a lady who commented on one of my other posts about the womb of God. I know that there is someone out there, that needs this post as much as I need to write it today.In 2010 my husband and I moved to the country for ministry work. At the time I was facing alot and the move was both traumatic and welcoming. My husband was teaching classes and because of the move I was now able to attend with him and enjoy the classes. One Thursday morning I woke up early and got ready to go. That morning I woke up with a strange sense of sadness in my spirit but I prayed about it and then went off to the class. During the break time I spent some time chatting with the ladies and one lady was a nurse who had helped deliver babies. I began to speak to her when the conversation took a Holy Spirit led turn. I began to mention to her that my parents wanted four children but they only had two. My mom had had my brother and then lost two children thereafter. The doctors found cancer on my mom’s ovary and removed it; they told her she would never have a child again. Seven years later however, I came along, a very healthy miracle child. As we were talking the pain in my spirit began to get more real and I began to tear up. She asked me how I felt about the babies my mom had lost in between and I told her although I had never thought about it before, I actually felt really sad about it although they were only here for a brief moment in the physical, I missed them nonetheless. All of a sudden the pain I felt inside made sense to me, I was grieving for my lost siblings, the ones I had never known. That afternoon I went home and sat in my room talking it out with God. After that I went through a period where I allowed the pain to flow free from within. I didn’t just allow it just to flow free, I allowed God to open His Hand and receive my pain, God mourned intimately with me. I shared my pain with a wonderful friend and together we cried and she offered me the space of saying what I needed to say and grieve for their lost lives. And then one night God came and showed me a little bit of heaven, literally.
I don't read books about heaven often but I was given a book written by a lady who had "visited" heaven and I decided to skim through the pages. I was skimming one night when suddenly a heading on one of the pages caught my attention. It read "the children." I felt transfixed to the page and I started reading the words that glided off the page. The author described how she saw children suddenly enter the throne room of God and how delighted He was at their presence. They were ushered in and each one held in his or her hand, a gift of myrrh. They each had a chance to sit on Papa's lap and offer Him the myrrh. The author turned to the person standing next to her and she asked “who are these children?” The person answered, “these are the children who were miscarried and the ones who had been aborted, the myrrh they offer is for the forgiveness of the ones who aborted them.” The scene the author described was short but poignant; Father knew it was what I needed. It was the final peg on my journey of grief. I felt fresh tears flow from my being again and then after that I felt peace. For I know now that my family members are with Christ and that there will be a time where I will see them again. Grieving for their loss was necessary and it was honouring, for the pain of their presence and their absence to be felt, although their lives were not lived here with me or with their family. Miscarried children are alive from the time of conception, they have a spirit and they are living. Medicine calls them foetuses but God calls them - human beings and most importantly He calls them His. Even as I type up these words I know I will somehow miss them regardless but I know that I can live with the beautiful picture of them living with God for all eternity and that is enough. I know I needed to share this pain because someone else out there needs to hear that, it is okay and it is necessary to grieve for the children that are not here. If you are grieving may Father’s heart of wholeness and peace touch you today in the deepest place, for you are never alone in the midst of pain, Papa’s arms are right around you, strong enough for today and forever.
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